im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
