I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
