I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
