Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
