Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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