she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
