i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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