Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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