tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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