I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
