Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
