Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
