This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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