Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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