you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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