While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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