i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize