It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
