Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
