Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
