when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
