I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize