nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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