Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
