as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
