Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
