Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
