i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
