I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
