Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
