You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
