I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
