y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
