so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
