don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Never underestimate the power of titties
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize