Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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