the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
