Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
