I hate all girls vehemently.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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