If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You were trust falling into bushes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
