I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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