There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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