So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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