dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pooping to opera.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
