he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize