I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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