two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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