i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
