Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Small penises have feelings too.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
