Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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