I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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