Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
