Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
