she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
