they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
