I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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