Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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