I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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